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| Find & Keep |

Birthday parties and good friends.

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A Perfect Place..

I woke early this morning. Sat up with a stretch and a yawn and tip toed quietly down the stairs, careful to not wake a soul. I made myself a cup of coffee. My Keurig, which may be the best invention ever, seemed so loud amidst the silence I was surrounded by. An instinct to 'shush' it arose within me as the coffee trickled down into my mug. I mixed in my cream and sugar and carried my mug to the couch with me. The comfort that comes from grasping a warm drink in my hands in unmatched. I sat on the couch and opened God's Word. Finally. This is the place I had been craving to find for days. This quiet. Quiet enough to hear the Still Small Voice. The place I can gather God's word, read over and over the scriptures He's been speaking to my heart. Time with my Father. Wrapped in His presence, His love. The place where my spirit is filled, my soul is renewed, and my faith revived.

After spending some time in this perfect place I heard a stirring. The familiar creak of a little boys' bed followed by foot steps. Those foot steps soon came closer til my not-so-little Coen was sleepily pulling himself onto my lap. His length did not prevent him from tucking himself into the nook of my neck and bending his legs up enough to be wrapped in my arms. As he settled into this place I felt him relax every limb and let out a sigh. I breathed him in. So thankful that he came to me, climbed into my lap, and was content to just stay. We stayed like this for quite some time.

How fitting, I thought as I lay with one of my littles upon my chest. Is this how our Father feels when we come to Him? As we come to Him, placing ourselves into His presence, peace comes, and we let out a sigh.. Our loving Father wraps us up, thankful we've come to Him, ready to pour out his affection, hoping we will be content to stay a while..

Olivia's Story.. {honoring CHD week}

Meet Olivia, the toughest 5 year old I know. I remember the first time I met her. The tiniest baby I've ever seen. She was under 5lbs at the time. Since then I have watched her grow as she endured 5 minor surgeries as well as 1 open heart surgery {you can read her whole story below}. This girl has spunk, and I don't think she stopped moving once throughout our entire shoot!

Seeing as February 7-14 is CHD(congenital heart defect) week I felt led to share her story. This is her heart story as told by her mother..

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I went in for my routine 36 week check up and the doctor couldn’t find her heart beat, so they sent me for a stress test at the Royal Alex Hospital. There they also couldn’t find her heart beat, so I went in for an emergency c-section. When Olivia was born she had a slow heart beat but a heart beat none the less. Her oxygen saturations were very low so Olivia was sent to the Stollery where she spent the first 2 weeks of life. There they diagnosed Olivia withEbstein’s Anomaly with talk of Long Q-T (which later was diagnosed as medicinal Long Q-T). When her oxygen saturations and heart rate improved they transferred her to the Grey Nuns ICU and she spent another week and then she got to go home. After 2 weeks at home our entire family got a cold but Olivia got RSV which landed her in the hospital again. After 3 days in the hospital Olivia’s monitors and alarms went crazy saying her heart beat was over 250 beats per minute, sometimes reaching 300 beats per minute which they referred to as Supra Ventricular Tachycardia (SVT). After all we were there for RSV, nothing to do with her heart. So this went on for about a week and a half until we found a medicine that slowed it down. At this point she was released and we got to be a family again. We listened to Olivia multiple times each day for her heart rate but after a while the medicine stopped working and again we were forced to take her to the hospital. We knew that something bad was happening and that we were in for quite a journey. Our family spent 18 hours in the emergency room until the doctors finally got a bed in PICU. At this time they told my husband and I to go home while they got her settled and they would call when things were done. That night we got a call saying that they had to stabilize her by putting her in a medicinal coma and that she had a machine breathing for her. They sounded optimistic, however things didn’t sound that great to us. So the next day we took Liam up to see his sister, we realized we had to get strength to fight for Olivia when she was too weak to fight herself. The doctors ended up doing 2 oblations to burn away the extra electrical spot in her heart that was making it race like this. Time seemed to stand still and yet life went on around us. This was the longest 30 days of our lives. Finally Olivia gained momentum and got stronger everyday and was finally released to come home. We had a few check-ups after coming home but things looked good, so check-ups became farther apart. Olivia still seemed to turn purple regularly, needed to nap a lot (in retrospect was probably fainting), and was very cold all the time.

Olivia was 4 when she saw Dr. Kantoc again. After her ECG’s and EKG’s the doctor concluded that she would need open heart surgery. They found that she had ASD, she needed to have a Glenn Shunt and they were going to repair her tricuspid valve. This was all to improve circulation and oxygen saturations. So in July of 2011 Olivia entered the Stollery once more. The surgery that was supposed to take 6 hours only took 4. Dr. Ross chose not to repair her tricuspid valve as he felt that after the ASD closure and the Glenn Shunt it took pressure off the valve, it wasn't leaking that badly and that putting a replacement valve in would likely make her sicker. Dr. Ross also found while in surgery that she was having SVT episodes again, so he did another oblation. Our little fighter was home 3 days after open heart surgery and playing with her friends like nothing had happened. She learned how to ride a 2 wheel bike and ran after her brother. She was our little miracle, except about 2 weeks after coming home Olivia appeared grey, complained of being tired and dropped to the floor for an instant "nap". So once again off to the Stollery we went. Olivia had fluid build up in 3/4 of her chest cavity and that’s why she turned grey. The fluid was called Kilethorax and she went in for surgery to get a draining tube put in. Olivia spent the next 3 weeks in the hospital. She took it all like a champ. She would be found regularly running with her draining box and IV pole running down the halls to "the beach". During these 3 weeks she had another SVT episode so they did yet another oblation. And because the Kile wouldn’t go away, they closed the fluid duct that it was coming from. The whole time Olivia never ever seemed sick. She insisted on doing everything herself and acting like a normal child. After 3 long weeks she came home again and things returned to “normal”. We listened to her heart every day and she seemed to turn purple less often. She even started to gain some weight.

Around Christmas time we were listening to her heart and again things sounded different. It was like her heart skipped a beat when she slept or paused momentarily. So we contacted Dr.Kantoc and headed back up for a check up where he found that she was having SVT episodes again. So Feb. 7 she was brought in for day surgery for yet another oblation. The doctor suggested that he’s rarely had to do this procedure more than twice on one patient before, so he became a little more aggressive in repairing it. During the procedure there was a little too much bleeding and the AV node was damaged. So this day surgery landed her back in ICU with an external pace maker because she now was going into Brady episodes which is too slow of a heart rate. After a couple of days they took the external pace out and sent Olivia upstairs to regular ward. They gave her 10 days and found she was still Brady at night so they put her under again and put in a pace maker.

Now Olivia lives with a pace maker. She has more energy than she has ever had in her entire life, is gaining weight and getting on the growth charts, keeping up and surpassing some 5 year olds. She starts kindergarten in the fall and is excited about life. She has a fighter's spirit about her. We have been told not to expect any more surgeries as the pace will keep her from going Brady while she sleeps and prevents SVT. It also helps her medicinal Long Q-T. The Glenn keeps her oxygen levels at 98% and although her tricuspid valve is deformed, not located where it should be and leaks, it seems to be stable.

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When I heard it was CHD week, I knew I watned to do something. Anything. Even just to bring awareness. Chances are you know someone affected by CHD. It is considered to be the most common birth defect. Watching people walk through something like this as I have with Olivia, can often leave you feeling helpless. My part may be small, but I have chosen to do what I can. 

Newborn Photography >> Otto Fox.

When I asked Otto's mom if there was anything in particular she would like see in his pictures, she simply said she wanted his little rolls and toes and such.. Perfect, I thought. I've been craving simplicity in my photography. True lifestyle photography is my goal (although we did throw on one of his Daddy's bowties for a little fun). I was so blessed to get to cuddle this tiny little guy. He is a special one with  especially amazing parents.

Mercy & Truth

I want to raise my kids well. I want them to grow up confident of who they are and who their God is. Sometimes I feel as though I am failing them. I sometimes struggle with feeling like I'm not a good parent. Yesterday was one of those days. Coen was tired and emotional. He screamed and cried at my every word. By the end of the day, after literally dragging him out of our church screaming at the top of his lungs, I had run out of patience for him. I was angry. I hate that feeling. That 'at the end of my rope' feeling. My anger, however, was not towards Coen. I was angry at myself. I was angry that my temper got the best of me. I was angry that I allowed myself to be overwhelmed by my emotions. After getting home and getting all the kids in bed I sat quietly and prayed. I prayed for strength and wisdom. I prayed for the ability to be a better example to these young lives the Lord has blessed me with. I felt a scripture rise up in my spirit. Proverbs 3:3 "let not mercy and truth forsake you." It is a well known scripture in our home. In fact, my husband has it tattoo'd across his chest! I am more than grateful for God's wonderful mercy. I know that He would not have given me these beautiful children without offering me the wisdom needed to raise them. I want to live by His mercy so His Truth will not depart from my children. How I need his mercy. When I feel inadequate I will dwell on His mercy. For in my weakness He is made strong..

The Tooth Fairy Fiasco..

So, Sienna lost her tooth at the beginning of September. It was a big deal around here. As soon as she realized that it had become loose, every single person she encountered was told about it. She wiggled it non-stop, and she would ask numerous times a day, "is it ready to come out yet?" When it started to get really loose I  had attempted to pull it out a few times, but I would get lightheaded as woozy every time forcing me to stop. You would never guess I used to be a nurse! So, we waited for it to fall out on its own. One morning as we were all getting up I heard her yell from another room that it had fallen out! Finally, her wait was over. That night would bring her what she had been anticipating for so long.. The tooth fairy (which I have told her is me, but I am not sure she has put it all together)!! The day went by, and we all went to bed. The next morning I was awoken by Sienna running up the stairs yelling, "the tooth fairy came!" Thats when the wave of confusion and horror came over me as I realized that I had forgotten to be the toothfairy! Sienna dashed into our room holding up a dime! She was so excited for her little 10 cents so I just rejoiced with her thankful that somehow a dime had been randomly left behind for her to find so my forgetfulness was not found out! After a few minutes had past Sienna came to me and explained that she had to take her sheets off her bed to find her money and she couldn't get them back on. I told her I would come help, but what I found when I walked into her room left me speechless..


After seeing this I could not stop laughing! My little girl believed so strongly that the tooth fairy had come she would stop at nothing to find her reward! I am thankful there happened to be a dime hiding under her mattress cause I couldn't imagine her heartache if she had found nothing after all her searching. I am thankful she was content with a dime. One dime. That's one cheap tooth fairy if you ask me... While driving later that day Sienna says to me from the back, "Mom, the tooth fairy sure hides the money well." I chuckled to myself and agreed. I think I may carry on this tradition and continue to hide tooth fairy money under the mattress rather than under the pillow.. That is if I remember next time!

A House Called Defeat..

House for sale..

Large house with many points of entry. As you enter this house you will see that it consists of many rooms all with differing looks designed to lure people in. Although many rooms, the hallways are narrow and confining making it hard to move forward. The house is cold, without proper lighting throughout. At first, the darkness seems somewhat comfortable and easy to settle into, but after a while the ability to maintain proper sight becomes tiring and difficult. The purchase of this house does not require a large sum of money. Payment is taken in the form of hope and vision. Once this home is purchased it is difficult to leave behind. While there are many ways inside there is only One way out, and because of the blinding darkness that fills this house it is not always clear how to get there. No need to call to view. This house is always open. 

A House Called Victory..

I have moved into a new house designed for me by my Father which has only One point of entry. As you enter this home you will see that it is filled with light. The hallways are wide and free of clutter so there is  nothing to hinder your vision. The walls display words that uplift and encourage such as "Do not fear, for I am with you" -Is 41:10 and other reminders of the protection found here. This home also did not require a sum of money for purchase. It was free, requiring only that I receive it. 

Now that I have entered this house, I never want to leave. 

...I have moved out of DEFEAT and into VICTORY...

Conversations with Sienna

The other day I was talking to my daughter Sienna while we were driving. We had one of those conversations I love. Another teachable moment like this one. Our conversation went a little like this..

S: I don't want to move out when I get married.

Me: Why not?

S: I will miss you.

Me: I will miss you too. Maybe you could just live close by?

S: Like next door?

Me: Maybe!

S: I am going to pray I live next door.

Me: Ok!

S: Dear Jesus, please let me live next door to mom when I get married. Amen

Me: Sienna, do you know that God tells us to not worry about ANYTHING. He's got the perfect plan for us! He will take care of everything you worry about. So, if you listen to all that He tells you, guess what? You will end up in the PERFECT place. Even if it is not next door to mommy and daddy, Jesus will be making sure that you are taken care of, ok?

S: Ok, but I am still going to pray I live next door.

Me: Ok, I would love that..

I love these moments when I get to teach something valuable to my kids. I want these things engrained in her character. I want her trust in the Lord to be deep and unmoving. More than anything I pray that I can be an example of all these things for her. I've got some work to do!

My Sienna is a clever one. Here are a few other conversations we've had lately...

Me: Sienna, can you please stop growing.

S: I can't stop my birthday. That is up to God.

Me: Please?

S: I need to keep growing so I can get married!  (she associates growing up with getting married.. not sure why..)

S: Maybe you could paint my house a rainbow house?

Jeremy: What about a polk-a-dot house?

S: No, that would be silly.

Oh, how I love her..

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{photoshoot}

Wow.. I had such a great time doing this photoshoot with Ashley. It left me feeling like I've still got lots of learning to do when it comes to photography, but that is a good thing. Ashley is such a natural in front of the camera! I ended up with so many beautiful shots I had a hard time narrowing down which ones to share with you all! Enjoy, and let me know which shot is your favorite.. 

This is my favorite from the day..

Dear Adventure..

Dear Husband. Looking so forward to getting over all this crazy. We are so tremendously blessed, and hopefully soon we will be able to slow down and take.it.all.in..
Dear Bedtime. You will surely be the cause if every.single grey hair I ever have. You would think that kids would realize that bedtime is inevitable. It happens EVERY NIGHT so why must it be so traumatic?
Dear Houston. How are you so cute even when you are being outright defiant? Your "no" makes me laugh every time. I also find it funny how you steal you siblings toys and run away. You already know you are causing trouble. I am sure it won't stay cute for long and we will have to start working on your listening skills soon!
Dear Ashley. I am so excited to edit your pictures. I had so much fun on our adventure. Thanks for being my model (and a stunning one at that), and thanks for helping me be brave enough to trespass on people's property. I am glad that we did end up getting permission to be there though. I think I made a friend with a barn. WOOT. Well, maybe not friend, but I know I won't get shot if I go there.. so I will go back. Here is a sneak peak of your amazingness..

All you need..

Dear sister..

Dear 2012. 

So far, so good.

keep it that way, k?

Dear Husband.

Thanks for all the sweet texts you've been sending my way.

They really do make my day..

Dear Supper.

Cook yourself!

{I wish I didn't hate cooking so much}

Dear Weather.

Seriously, where am I?

KEEP IT ROCKING WITH THE WARMTH.

Dear Sister. 

Sorry it has taken me so long to get your pictures to you. 

A bunch of the picture files from our shoot were corrupted somehow and I wasn't able to fix the problem. 

I was worried I had lost some of the best shots from our session, but I think I fixed it today. 

Woohoo.

Your family is so gorgeous, and there are so many photos I want to share.. 

but my favorites are the ones of you!

You are beautiful.. 

inside.and.out

Embrace the Camera..

I was given a tripod and a wireless remote for Christmas..

a w e s o m e

I am going to have so much fun with these new toys.

Jeremy, on the other hand, will probably regret ever buying them for me.

(he's not a fan of having his picture taken)

But he loves me, so he endures...